THIS WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED VIA TINYLETTER ON DATE STAMPED
Some days I feel I’m too much, like I’m a lot. I talk too much or too loud. I take too much space. Feel too intense. Think too thorough. I pick up battles most people don’t consider worthy and carry them too long. In fact, I have a problem putting things down.
Of course, by now, I know better than to mind those feelings, let the whispers get to me. I don’t want to dare dim my light to keep other people comfortable anymore, like I have for most of my life. Did me no good. I want to stop restraining myself and start liberating it. From any and all shackles. The only time I should stop from doing anything, saying anything is when it no longer feels right, or I just don’t feel like it. Never to serve other people’s expectations of me.
And so, I talk even though no one’s listening. I command rooms to look at me when I need to, and refuse when eyes are prying, unnecessary. I explain myself because I need to, for myself, just to get it out there. Not to seek other people’s approval or validation. I let myself enjoy things, be petty. My boundaries are also my allowances. This is only how far you’re allowed to go. I am not comfortable with this.
At 25, I am the Most Me I have ever been. I feel like a fruit in season, a flower in bloom. Nature peaking resides in me. Other people who feel they might be too much for other people come to me, maybe they won’t be too much for me. Which I like. I don’t intend to inspire other people. Every time I hear people aspire that, I always think it’s such a motherhood bullshit statement. But I won’t deny it feels warm keeping people warm, even just momentarily.
So sure, my self-confidence has gone so far. I am no longer timid, no longer insecure.
But some days, even when I don’t notice that the stares and whispers linger, it feels nice to get shit like this once in a while. No matter how confident and self-sufficient I could get. Sure I could sit up straight on my own. But an affirmation is a backrest I could lean on once in a while, helps me sit up longer. I maybe too much for some, but to some I am just the perfect amount of much. And they’re the unit of measurement I’d consider reliable.