THIS WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED VIA TINYLETTER ON DATE STAMPED
So, okay. If you came from Twitter – do know this isn’t necessarily a boy problem. It’s just that when I dwell on something too long, it ends up feeling like one. And I have dwelt on this forever, I don’t want my friends to listen to me talk about this over alcohol one more time. Listening to myself talk about the same thing is sickening enough, I don’t want to monopolize any more inom for another one. I feel a little shy sending matters of the heart into inboxes of people I don’t really share my life to, both ever or anymore. But I. Am. Going. Crazy. So here goes:
I think I’ve forgotten how it is to like a guy because all I’ve been doing with their particularly specie lately is simply want them. Wanting is easier for me to understand. Sometimes, I want a guy without necessarily liking them and my body is perfectly able to comprehend that. It does not flinch. It does not cower. It has its own instinct to follow to try and get what it wants. It has its own set of reflexes to follow. But liking, at least to me, is a mess of things to do, (over)think about, and feel for.
I do not want to like Guy. It’d be so much easier not to. But I can’t help but feel like the countless sessions of me analysing what I feel in front of other people validated my feelings.
I could list you a thousand reasons why it’s there but that would just resemble pathetic, tipsy sessions I’d like to move forward from. Why it remains there, however, I can only think of a single reason: because I mentioned it to people outside of myself. If only I had kept my mouth shut, then it would have been convenient to run away from all this. I wouldn’t have tried to make sense of it all in poems and proses. I wouldn’t have drowned all of my thoughts with loud music while in transit because it is where I am forced to listen to all of them the hardest. I would have carried on with the platonic setup I have with Guy without being paranoid Guy sees through me. That he knows or would know eventually. That me liking him is plastered all over me – in my words, actions, and even the lack of them.
But I have to end my Would Have’s and Wouldn’t Have’s because I already did it. I already talked about it in front of other people profusely. I am writing this letter. Feelings are validated more than ever. They are there and will remain there for god knows how long.
And I am at wits end not knowing what to do because I’ve forgotten how to like a guy – or any guy for that matter – aside from freaking out. No one can see it because they see me going from class to class, eating with different people, hanging out at new places, and trying new things. I remain cold as hell and I am busy with more important matters in the eyes of other people. But, really, it’s all I ever do. Freak out. Because I like Guy. And damn does it feel a lot like high school typing that one out.